All is still swell in Zambia! I've been up to a lot of different things and plan to thoroughly enjoy my last week here. God is good!
The first blog I ever posted was called "Vulnerability Absolutely Terrifies Me." I read over that blog this morning and realized that that fact is still very much true today and in light of that, I would like to allow myself to become vulnerable again now. God has shown me time and time again that this life is not my own. I have been bought with a price and the One who bought it is very willing to be vulnerable, especially if it leads to others being encouraged and edified. Praying that He would be glorified in all that I do.
Though the Lord has had me in a season of "pruning" (showing me where I've fallen short and shaping, tweaking, and molding me into a person that's more like Him) as of late, He has also shown me how far I've come in other areas of my life. I call this harvesting - taking in the fruit of the efforts and storing them away for when I need them. Anyhow, the area in which I feel the harvest taking place most has to do with my issues with anxiety. I don't share these issues often and actually do my best to cover them up most of the time, but the fact is that for a few years now I've had some pretty crippling anxiety that has affected many facets of my life - socially, emotionally, spiritually, academically, etc. I used to stay home alone often instead of going to school or work or a social event, I would chew a ridiculous amount of gum throughout the day, would never let anyone drive me somewhere, and would avoid other circumstances, all as coping mechanisms. For the longest time I felt guilty about wanting to take medication to help me with this, because I felt that God should've been enough to get me through it, but the truth is I wasn't taking my anxieties to Him at all. I was trying to deal with it myself and it wasn't working.
Within the past year or so, I have spent so much time in prayer about anxiety. I've memorized verses like 1 Peter 5:7 that says, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." I've realized that Jesus cares a lot about this and He wants to help. I've begun to take medication along with my constant prayer and have been reflecting on how far He has brought me. I no longer go through multiple packs of gum per day, I have developed healthier coping mechanisms and am able to do many things I never thought I'd be able to do again. Just making it through all the traveling it took to get me to Zambia was an absolute miracle. I praise God for that often and know I wouldn't be able to do it without His help.
Anxiety and depression are very real. I know a lot of people who struggle regularly with it and if you are one of them, know that you are not alone. I don't believe it's a sin to struggle with these things but it is of utmost importance to know that they can get better. Don't lose hope, because hope can always be found at the feet of Jesus. If I can be praying for you in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.
